I Wish I Didn't Exist
by MantaI-305Apollo'sChariot
Summary: When ten-year-old Elsa feels angry that she's not allowed to talk to Anna through her door, she purposely ice skates around her room, but ends up falling and getting herself in trouble. Elsa finally thinks of something that she thinks might fix everything, but she's wrong. Isn't she? One-shot. Canon-compliant. COMPLETE.


**A/N: This was supposed to be an incident Elsa was just telling Anna about in 'Mind Games' that happened to her when she was younger, but it quickly turned into its own story.:/**

 **Obviously I don't own Frozen...:)**

 **On to the story!:)**

Ten-year-old Elsa had just finished her lessons for the day and stood in the center of her room with her gloved hands clasped behind her back, waiting for her father to finish correcting her work. Right now her powers felt subdued but a bit annoyed with her, slowly swirling in her tummy saying they wanted to get out. _I can't do that. I hurt Anna with them. They have to stay in. Not come out. Besides, Papa would be mad._

"Your handwriting and grammar are impeccable, Elsa. Nice job," Agdar said. "I daresay you are ready to begin more difficult lessons with your languages."

"Latin?" the little girl asked hopefully. Even at age ten, she already had realized that Latin made learning other languages much easier. _I think the ety…eto...emty…etymology with the Latin helps._ Elsa's expression remained neutral; having been disappointed so many times before, she refused to let herself get her hopes up.

"Certainly, Elsa," Agdar said, almost sounding proud of Elsa instead of repulsed because of her powers she couldn't control very well.

Her father's pleasant tone made Elsa's subdued heart lift a bit. Maybe if he was happy with her, he would let her say something to her little sister as a reward. She wouldn't even ask to open the door; she just wanted to say something through the door to Anna next time she knocked. "Could I…could I maybe have a special something for a reward?" Elsa asked quietly, keeping her gaze trained on the floor.

"You are a princess and future queen, not a servant. Lift your gaze when you speak to someone, Elsa," Agdar said firmly.

Elsa looked up and repeated her question, but added, "Please?" at the end.

"And what might that something be?"

"I'd like…like to just…say something to Anna, please. Just once. Just 'Hi, Anna! I'm sorry I can't see you anymore, but I miss you. Thank you for knocking'," Elsa explained.

"You think it is a good idea to thank her for knocking?"

Elsa's little body slumped, knowing right that second the answer was going to be no. Then something inside her made her stand up straight. "Yes, I do. I miss her, and it's the truth. That's the only time I get to even _hear_ Anna, even if it's just her talking to me. She's my little sister!" _And…and it hurts. I want my baby sister back so much, and I can't._ Elsa felt ice crackling right under her skin as she grew more upset; and she balled her hands into fists at her sides. _The ice wants to come out. I think it's mad at me. Wait...how can I be mad at myself? That doesn't even make any sense. But I_ am _mad at myself._ Tense pressure increased against Elsa's skin all over, especially on her hands and feet, as her powers begged to be released. She felt an almost painful tingling sensation as she used all her willpower to hold the ice inside.

 _The ice wants out. It's angry with me. It doesn't like being all locked up inside me._

 _You don't like being locked up, either._ Elsa managed to keep her expression neutral, but she felt absolutely stormy inside. _Stop it, Elsa. You cannot lose control in front of Papa._

"You shouldn't be having any contact with her at all, Elsa. No, you may not do that," Agdar said firmly. "Ice, Elsa," he added, pointing at the floor directly beneath Elsa's feet.

Elsa scrunched her eyes shut and held her hands close against her chest. _Go away, ice. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel._ "Papa, it won't go away," she whispered. "I can't. I don't think it wants to."

"Yes, you can. Don't go giving your powers a separate will. It's inside you, so you must control it."

"I'm trying," Elsa said flatly.

"Then try harder."

"The harder I try, the more it gets out of control!" As if to prove her point, the ice beneath Elsa's feet spread and grew thicker, and she backed away. _Calm down, Elsa. Calm down._ Elsa's powers immediately settled, leaving a fluttery swirling sensation in her tummy, but otherwise not complaining at her that they wanted out. _Wait...does letting the ice out make it calm down?_

 _Doesn't matter whether it does or not, Elsa. You can't even expir...exper...experiment with that. You'll just make Papa upset. It has to stay in. Calm down._

 _What if I don't want to calm down?_ the angry part of her mind taunted. _It is my room. What does it matter if there's ice all over it?_ Elsa watched as her father left the room, saying he hoped she came to her senses soon. She just scowled and made no reply. _I wonder what would happen if I tried to skate in here…_

* * *

Without a second thought, Elsa instinctively iced the floor. What Elsa didn't realize was that this ice was doing exactly what she wanted it to; no more, no less. Elsa giggled and skated back and forth across her room, easily keeping her balance. A tiny voice in the back of her mind warned her this was wrong, that she should not be doing this, and that she would get in big trouble; but for once the little girl ignored her instincts and did what _she_ wanted.

Elsa had just made a small jump in her skating when she heard a very familiar knock on the door. _Anna! I hurt Anna with my ice! I shouldn't be playing with it! Bad girl, Elsa. Very bad girl._ Elsa landed wrong from her jump because of her frantic thoughts and fell right on her backside holding her ankle. "Ow!" Elsa felt tears filling her eyes, both because her ankle hurt and because she wished she had never tried to skate in her room in the first place. _I hurt Anna…I hurt Anna…why did I do this?! Why?_

Seven-year-old Anna had heard Elsa's quiet cry of pain, and she ran off down the hall calling for their parents without saying a word to her big sister, knowing Elsa was hurt somehow.

Inside her room, Elsa bit her lip, knowing she needed to do _something_ to fix the mess she had made or she would be in big trouble. _Stand up, Elsa. Stand up and fix the mess. You iced the floor on purpose! Maybe you deserve to get hurt._

 _My ankle hurts. I don't think it's going to hold me._

 _Try anyway._ Elsa had just forced herself to her feet when she heard someone come in. "Papa?" she asked fearfully. "I…I…I…" Elsa winced when she tried to put weight on her ankle, but her father didn't notice _._

"Elsa, what do you think you were doing?!" Agdar asked angrily, genuinely oblivious to his daughter's injury. "This looks like an ice skating rink!"

"I just…I just wanted to…play," Elsa whispered. She stumbled backwards when her father came toward her. "What are you going to do with me?" _Papa won't hurt me. I know he won't._

Agdar grabbed her by the arm and just pushed her into the closet and shut the door on her, leaving a chair in front of the door handles so Elsa couldn't get out. "You can stay in there until you learn to behave. You should be ashamed of yourself, Elsa."

Elsa crumpled to the floor inside the closet and just cried. Snowflakes floated around her, and she buried her face in her hands, trying her best to ignore them. The only thing that made her feel a bit better was that she knew her father genuinely hadn't had any idea that her ankle was hurt. _Why, Papa? I want out! I'm a little girl, too. Can't you love me, too? I just want my baby sister back. I want to be a normal little girl like Anna._

 _You can't be loved, Elsa. You're defective. You hurt Anna._

The little girl scrunched her eyes shut and curled into a ball clutching her hurt ankle. Maybe Gerda would let her out. Elsa didn't even try to get out on her own; what was the point? She would probably just be put right back in. _I want Anna. I don't think I'd deserve it, but I know she would make me feel better._ "Anna...Anna, I wish you could find me. Maybe you'd fix me...it hurts, Anna...it hurts so much..." _I want a hug. A big warm hug._

 _You can't even feel heat, Elsa. What difference would that make?_

 _'Cause I'd_ know _it was warm. In my head. Even if I couldn't feel it 'cause I'm not made right._

Minutes ticked by, and Elsa finally just cried herself to sleep.

* * *

Hours later, Gerda knocked on Elsa's room's door to bring the child her dinner. When Elsa didn't answer, Gerda tried the door and found it was unlocked. She frowned at the meltwater all over the floor and then eyed the chair propped against the closet doors. _Elsa better not be inside…that means King Agdar put her in there…_

Gerda quickly set Elsa's dinner down on the desk and then moved the chair and opened the closet. There lay Elsa sleeping curled in a ball on the floor. One ankle looked swollen, and her cheeks were streaked with dried tears; but besides that, she seemed to be fine. "Let's get you out of there, princess," Gerda said softly, picking the little girl up.

Elsa whimpered when Gerda laid her down on her bed. Her big blue eyes fluttered open, and she immediately scooted away. "I don't wanna hurt you." _Gerda would give me a hug if I asked her. She doesn't mind me... I can't do that. It's not safe. No hugs, Elsa. Only in your dreams._

 _Why do you even have dreams? You're messed up and prob'ly a mistake._

 _I'm a messed-up mistake that's still got dreams. That's all._

"You won't. You're the one that's hurt, princess," Gerda said gently. "May I look at that ankle?" Elsa tried to pull her foot away, but Gerda just gently but firmly held her leg still. "Hold still, Princess Elsa."

"The ice?" Elsa questioned. "It might leak out if you touch my foot."

Gerda looked Elsa right in the face. "I don't think it will, but I'll take my chances. You need to be taken care of. How did you hurt yourself?"

"I was skating and I fell on my ice and landed wrong," Elsa admitted. She flinched as Gerda gently touched her ankle, but she didn't complain. _My ankle hurts. What is Papa going to say when he finds out I hurt myself? He'll just be all the more mad at me._

"Just sprained," Gerda assured her. "You stay there. Don't try to stand up. I'll be right back."

* * *

Elsa just lay there flat on her back, reluctant tears trickling down her lightly freckled cheeks. There was no way for her to get Anna back; she had magical powers she couldn't control; and she felt her parents, especially her father, didn't like her at all. _Then maybe Mama and Papa aren't supposed to love me. There_ is _something wrong with me. But…but I still have feelings. I'm just a little girl._

 _An abnormal little girl. You aren't supposed to have feelings. You're a monster._ "No, I'm not!" the little girl wailed. "I'm not a monster! Am I? I didn't hurt Anna on purpose!"

Gerda realized Elsa was paying no attention to her since she was lost in her inner pain, so she quickly wrapped Elsa's swollen ankle up securely before trying to comfort her, knowing Elsa probably wouldn't let anyone touch her once she came to her senses. She gently propped the little girl's ankle up with a pillow and then sat down next to her, making sure not to actually touch her. "Princess Elsa, you are not a monster," she said firmly. "You are a ten-year-old girl with some special abilities that you need help controlling. That is all."

"But I don't know how. No one knows how," Elsa whispered, her voice sounding far too worn out and tired for a girl her age. "I try and try to keep it in, and it just comes out anyway. And then the one time I try to make ice on purpose, I just hurt myself instead. All I'm good for is messing up things. I just…I'm so _tired_! I wish I didn't exist. I don't think anyone would mind no Princess Elsa. Tell Papa he should get rid of me…" _I wish I could go far, far away so nothing could hurt me anymore. Somewhere where it's already cold so it wouldn't matter that I'm messed up._

Gerda dearly wanted to just scoop the distraught child up and hold her close and simply _love_ and _care_ for her, but she knew such a thing would do more harm than good and just scare Elsa instead. "Princess, I will not tell your father any such thing. Think about how upset Princess Anna would be if she found out you were no longer here."

Elsa abruptly sat up and looked at her bandaged ankle. _I deserve that and then some. I hurt my little sister. But I shan't hurt Anna again. If simply existing in my room is better for Anna than not being here, then I shall stay. Always._ "I wish I could just write Anna a letter," Elsa whispered. "I miss her so much…"

"I could try asking your father about it, princess, but he will probably say no." Gerda made her offer, but she didn't want to get Elsa's hopes up, either. She gently pushed the little girl back against the pillows when she tried to get up. "Princess Elsa, just rest for now," she said gently. "You aren't going to be able to walk for a few days. I don't want you hurting yourself further."

"Papa's going to be angry with me," Elsa said quietly. "He'll say it's my own fault I got hurt because I was playing with my ice and I wasn't supposed to do that."

Gerda wasn't sure what to say to that; she knew Elsa was right. "Try to think of something happy, princess, and go to sleep. Would you like some chocolate, perhaps?"

Elsa just shook her head as tears streamed down her cheeks again. "I just want Anna!" she cried. "I just want my baby sister back. It hurts, Gerda…it hurts so much…" _Calm down, Elsa! Conceal. Don't feel. Conceal. Don't feel._ Elsa's little hands rested over her heart, protectively held over the part of her that hurt most. She wished someone could just set her free from everything that bound her to being alone, dangerous, and scared every day of her life. _I can never be free. Not unless I can know how to control that ice. It just goes everywhere. I wish it would disappear…_

Gerda had a sick feeling Elsa was not saying her sprained ankle hurt. The poor little girl was saying her heart hurt. "You have to fight, Princess Elsa. You're a strong girl. I don't know when, but everything will get better eventually. You are too sweet a girl for that not to happen." She risked dabbing at Elsa's tears with a handkerchief, and was relieved when the child flinched but didn't otherwise protest.

"Why did Papa trap me in the closet? I'm not scared of the dark, but…it's too tight in there. All cramped! Not big enough for me." Elsa shuddered, remembering how she had felt when she was trapped in there. _It must have been okay for Papa to do that to me. He wouldn't have done that if I didn't deserve it…_ "I don't want to be here anymore. I wish I didn't exist." _Then I wouldn't have hurt Anna._

"That was wrong, princess. Your father should not have done that, king or not," Gerda said firmly. "Go to sleep, Princess Elsa. There will be chocolate waiting for you when you wake up."

Elsa drifted off to sleep, dreaming of eating chocolate with her sister and that her baby sister would rescue her from everything that hurt her inside.

 _I miss you, Anna. Everything will be better someday. Won't it?_

 **A/N: If anyone's read chapter 23 of Secret Passages, then you probably know this is the first time little Elsa has remotely thought of such a thing.:/**

 **I don't know why I wrote this... *sighs* Elsa, you're my favorite character, but you probably think I must hate you.:/**

 **Anyways, please let me know what you thought and leave a review whether you loved it or hated it.:)**

 **This is MantaI-305Apollo'sChariot signing off now, over and out...:)**


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